I have been chronicling my fitness journey on this blog for a while now, but right now I want to touch on a subject that might be a little sensitive for some people. I want other people to understand the reasons I am in the situation am in. When I gained weight on seizure medication, I freaked out. This triggered a cascade effect in my head. I restricted my diet and increased my activity, but I kept gaining. My doctors didn't care. I was told, "that's just the side effects of the medicine." Nobody was concerned about how much I cared. When I finally found a medicine that controlled my seizures without causing weight gain, I lost the weight, but never changed my relationship with food. Eventually I slowed my activity down. Years later I started to gain weight again, but I had never changed my relationship with food. I was still eating very little, so I couldn't cut calories. There was no safe way to lose weight with traditional methods.
The reason I could not follow traditional weight-loss methods is hard for someone like me to accept. I like to think that I am a stable person who can keep things under control, but the evidence shows otherwise. I sustained a harmful relation with food for over two decades. There is no denying that I had...I have an eating disorder.
The difference between behavioral and metal disorders is what causes them. Mental disorders are caused by internal factors, while behavioral disorders are caused by external factors. Eating disorders are considered behavioral disorders because of the number of external factors that contribute to them. Personally, I find this to be frustratingly inadequate. Yes, there are a lot of external factors that contribute to them: the media, criticism from others, misinformation, diet fads, and so on. There are also a lot of internal factors: self image (often distorted), setting unattainable goals, depression, feelings of being a failure, a need to fit in, and so much more.
For me, my life was already swinging wildly out of control. After finding out that what I thought were blackout spells were actually seizures, I was put on several different medicines...all of which had horrible side effects. Even though each of them seemed to have different horrible side effects, the one that stayed consistent was weight gain. As I gained more and more weight, I kept thinking to myself, this is wrong...this shouldn't be happening. I'm doing everything right! So when I finally did find a medicine that didn't cause weight gain, I held on to the one thing I felt I could control: food. I continued to restrict my diet for years to come. Even now, I'm doing my best to eat more and eat healthy, but after over twenty years of eating the bare minimum, it's really hard. Some days I just don't get there.
I want others who might be struggling to know that you are not alone. It may seem like it, but you're not. I know that there are stigmas and stereotypes surrounding eating disorders, but please do not let that stop you from getting help. Remember that professionals like school counselors, doctors, and nurses are not allowed to tell anyone what you talked about. It doesn't matter what your relationship with food is, if you think there is a problem, talk to someone.
I spent over twenty years living with an eating disorder because of fear. I was afraid of losing control of my life. I was afraid of others' negative perceptions of me. I was afraid of seeing myself negatively. I was afraid of being unattractive, both to myself and to others. Now that my focus has shifted toward health, I can see clearly how much harm that fear has done. At this point I must try to repair the damage to the best of my ability and move forward.
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